Dancing Hardware

I know, what if I just plan an open house, all about me!  Prospective employers, entrepreneurs, people with money who want to pay me to do something useful can come by, check out my skills, see some gnarly spreadsheet samples, TALK to me...

Because this life-sucking persona-branding of myself in one resume page or less is shriveling my soul.  The recruiter I met last week says I have too many words.  I lose them at "Hello".

The new world wants to be entertained, wowed, smitten, things to jump out and dance for them so they only have to burn one, maybe two calories of effort to decide whether to bring me in for an interview.

The previous world wants the nuts and bolts of what I have done so they can decide if I have enough skills to be useful sooner rather than later.

My resume is max four pages.  How to make nuts and bolts dance in two pages or less???
Hours of my life.........